I am currently preparing a Continuing Legal Education (CLE) presentation for the Kentucky Bar Association where I teach other attorney's how to prepare a legal defense to the charge of Driving Under the Influence (DUI). This will be the fourth year I have been invited to either write or present the CLE materials. As part of the presentation this year, I decided to add a little humor centered around DUI defenses and Kentucky's love for Horses.
To that end, I am reaching out to the community for help. I plan to preface each DUI topic with a "Top DUI Defense I Learned from My Horse". The general topics include: Standard Field Sobriety Tests; One Leg Stand; Walk and Turn; HGN or Horizontal Gaze Nystagmus Test; Portable Breath Test or PBT; Alphabet Test; Touching The Nose Dexterity Test; Counting Test; Suppression of the Traffic Stop; Implied Consent; Suppression of the Breath Test or Intoxylizer; Suppression of the Blood Test; the Officers Violation of the Statutory Observation Period; When a DUI can be Expunged, and more. I am seeking your suggestions and comments which I can use in the presentation.
For example, a few of the suggested "Top DUI Defenses I Learned From My Horse" currently under consideration include:
1) If I was meant to stand on one leg, then I would have been born with one leg!
2) But officer, I only had a few beers, they make my coat shine.
3) HGN, lets see, does that mean Have Grain Now?
4) Officer, you stopped me for speeding? What part of RACEHORSE do you not understand?
5) You want me to count to thirty while I stand on one leg? You must be horsing around!
6) You want me to say the alphabet from H to R? How can I do that when I can not even pronounce my own name?
7) Walk and Turn, no problem. I can do that, but do I take 9 steps with each leg or only the front two, and if only using the front legs, what do I do with my rear legs?
8) Field Sobriety Test, hmmm, yes, I see the field and it has grass in it. Out of my way, I want to taste the grass to test if I can maintain sobriety.
9) Look at my hoofs, you expect me to take these tests with heels over two inches?
Note, by posting suggestions in the comment section, you are giving me permission to use the best of the suggestions in my presentation to Kentucky's future DUI defense lawyers. Thank you.